Decided to start #Blogging about other stuff than just #BookReviews – welcome to the first post of The #Bookworm Chronicles – I found this one difficult to write!! So, please be nice 😊

We know ourselves. Right? We know when we’re not right and we are the biggest judge. So if we are not ok why are we not heard?

This is the biggest question I have been asking myself for a long time. I have always felt different from the others around me. In school I was never content, I wasn’t having fun like the other kids no matter how hard I tried. I sat and I learned. That was what was expected of me right? I never had a constant friendship group, a best friend. It always changed with who I felt like being with that week. A lot of people would say – well surely that’s a good thing you must have had a lot of friends. Although this may be the case I never had someone there who could see when I wasn’t ok, when I needed help. So I masked who I was to blend in.

I got into the habit of doing this, so In my adult life, I did exactly the same. All we ever want is to fit in, isn’t it? But the truth is I have never fit in. I pretended to be someone I wasn’t to gainfully seek a relationship or a friend and it never turned out well because eventually they left. Sometimes they just disappeared and others it was a bad and hurtful break from each other. I never wanted to be who I really was because I knew that those around me would think I was cool, or maybe they wouldn’t want to know me anymore.

I am now a 35 year old woman, with an undiagnosed condition, no friends and family hanging on by a tether. Most people are sick of me, maybe I am becoming a burden! They don’t understand me because I have tried to be something I am not. These past few months I have started to become the real me, to some it is not a good thing – I have a lot of work to do with myself to make myself better, and the way to do that is with the professionals help. Which is going to be the biggest battle of them all.

I have lived numerous traumas in my life and I guess, this blog post is the start of my journey so maybe I will tell all one day, I am hoping this will become a form of my own therapy, helping others that may feel exactly the same or who are also going through something difficult and maybe, fingers crossed the people who read this will want to connect and I can make friends.

Living without friends is hard work, having no one to talk to when you need someone, even if it is just to rant to. It’s soul crushing. Keeping everything bottled up until BAM it all comes erupting out without warning it is draining and I will find times when I am unable to do daily tasks.

There is only one thing that is a constant in my life, the one thing that keeps me sane and keeps me going. BOOKS!!! A lot of people do not understand how much books can mean to some of us. They are an escape, and although even when I am fit and healthy and feeling at my best I still love to read. When I am not, I NEED that escape. Characters in books become like my friends. I connect to them and feel comfortable with who I am.

So, I have decided to do another style of blog – The BookWorm Chronicles – to document how hard it is for some. But know that you are never alone and you can always reach out! To me, to your friends, or your family.

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