The #BookCommunity is such an amazing place. I received the best response to yesterdays #blog – I’ve decided this will be a weekly blog so I’m here to introduce myself! This is me! Unedited! ❤️

WOW!! The response I received to yesterdays blog was amazing. So many people came forward, announced that they too was like me and letting me know there message inbox was always open. I felt so overwhelmed with the response I got that I have decided I will make this a weekly post, I’m thinking of posting every Sunday and will maybe spread beyond my own experiences and also do guest posts for anyone else who wants to come and share their experiences and help others who may also be going through the same things.

But first… I thought maybe I should introduce myself some more, I haven’t told anyone about my true self so this is sooo hard for me to tell everyone but thanks to you guys, I feel so comfortable in doing so.

My name is Alyssa, or Ally. I am 35 years old and was born Lisa. I absolutely hated my name growing up and so when I was old enough I decided to change it. I mean it was pretty pointless if I’m honest because my family still call me Lisa which is soo annoying, but LOL what can you do.

I have always felt different from others, and never realised the trauma I had been through until just recently.

I have been bullied my whole life, from primary school to high school. My life hasn’t been much fun. Growing up with an alcoholic father and then my school life.

In primary school I honestly don’t know what I did, maybe they could see something in me that I couldn’t, maybe they could tell I was different. kids know an awful lot after all.

Then on holiday one year in primary school I witnessed a kid getting kidnapped, I didn’t know it at the time but raised the suspicions with my family but along with all the other adults in the shopping centre that day they thought the kid who was kicking and screaming was just being naughty – it wasn’t until we was back in the caravan at Tea Time with the news on that we realised I was right.

Then In high school I was bullied again… again I have no reason why at first, but later it was because I was gay and this was not just the students. I never went out and hung out with my friends after school, I always stayed home – writing or whatever. I never wanted to, I was afraid and I didn’t know why. Until recently.

It turns out I have had quite a lot of trauma after speaking to a professional and the things I have been through have not been normal. I guess I suppressed these memories and didn’t deal with them at the time – I moved on quickly and let everything build up and fester inside me.

Because of the bullying I hated who I was. I hated being gay after being forced in school to seek counselling because I liked girls and obviously being bullied by my peers, I dated men and tried my hardest to turn myself straight. I did this for years and only started to except myself in late adulthood.

But by then it was too late, I didn’t know who I was anymore, I had tried to be so many different people. Just trying to blend in with the crowd – I had accepted myself as gay but it hadn’t been the best experience. I had dated all the wrong people, being cheated on, lied to, abused physically and mentally. It was a tough time. I was truly broken. I held onto grief for so long and carried it as baggage, stored it away and just tried to be normal.

Now here I am, 35 years old. Learning who I am, being the REAL me. I’m only just learning who she is – and at the moment she is sad. Unless she is reading. She has no real friends, and a family that are sick of her. She needs help and she is working so hard on that. She loves all things books, writing and publishing. She is fighting the professionals for assessments to find out what is going on.

But i know that I will get there, I will make friends and my confidence is building and building each day. I am connecting with people more and I know that I will make friends and my life is going to improve.

So, this is me. The real me. Unedited. The reason I have more bad days than good. But to anyone else who is struggling with who they are or finding life with their mental Illness, hidden disability hard or you just don’t feel heard. Know that you are not alone. You can always message me.

Until next time Bookworms…

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