Happy Sunday BookWorms! I hope you all had a fantastic week. I have had an unusual week.
So, I have decided to try and go cold Turkey with my sleep meds. The ones I had didn’t work, well they did a teeny tiny bit and the ones I had prior out weight on, which I really don’t want to happen again so I’ve decided to try and brave it and so far so good but …
Something very unexpected happened to me this week. Now, some of you may know I have been in a very toxic relationship and I have struggled to be happy, to leave, or stay gone. It’s not been great for me these past few years and I have burdened a few people with my thoughts, feelings and frustrations and always gone back. I find it hard to say no. I feel bad and sorry for people and forgive far to easily. But, she decided it was over and it’s done. I have moved into a separate room and I feel so much happier already.
Now, the problem I have with this, well it’s not actually a problem because I feel happier. I don’t feel judged, and I can be myself and not have to care what gets said anymore. But I often wonder if the marriage didn’t work because of what is going on with me. My mental health, the hidden disability that I am sure I have but the doctors are refusing to help me with.
I finally received my letter yesterday, from the mental health team to let me know the assessment has been rejected and I should continue with therapy. This put a complete downer on my week. I thought I was finally getting somewhere, but it turns out one set of doctors are happy to help and the rest are well, not. I will be ringing them on Monday to give them a piece of my mind and to appeal the decision since they have never met me so, how would they know what I need. But, I’m starting to think maybe, I should just refer myself for counselling so at least that can be ruled out and they can see that I need help.
I don’t really care about having a diagnoses, for instance if I thought I was autistic I could live without the diagnoses because there is no medical help for the condition and you have to live with it. I want to know why is wrong with me to see if there is any help available for me, because my life is a struggle and the way I am is ruining my life. How can these doctors expect an adult to go about life with no one around them. No friends, no relationship – and it’s all falling apart because of my behaviour problems.
Seriously, is there a reason doctors are so reluctant to help us? I’ve recently met others who are having similar difficulties to me. The doctors just are not interested. It is really frustrating and then having lack of sleep on top of that. I’m actually surprised I can function on a day to day basis.
Obviously, it is my books that keep me sane. If I didn’t read you would probably find me in a corner pulling my hair out to be honest. I love that I can escape to somewhere else when things get to tough for me here.
But, I must say, the whole being friends instead of married is working quite well for us right now. No arguing, it is just peaceful. This is definitely a positive step for me mentally and I am glad she has finally seen sense. I have felt uplifted for the past few days, and now I can fully focus on me and getting me sorted.
Just please keep your fingers crossed that I can actually get the doctors to see past the end of their noses and the fact that I apparently seem normal. Maybe I need to actually be myself for once instead of trying to be someone else. That might work.
If only I knew who she was… I have spent so long trying not to be me, being ashamed of who I am. It’s definitely time to change that.
Until next time BookWorms…